You are what you drink, part three
Going goofy for grogg: The beer edition
By Michael Sullivan 03/05/2009
According to various news reports across the country, the best way to handle a recession is to drink. And America’s preferred drink of choice — that’s right, you guessed it: beer. As people slim down on other luxury items and choosing alternatives — the staycation, shopping at consignment stores, filling up with standard unleaded gasoline instead of the super-maxed-up-my-cars-needs-this-pricey-gas alternative — one thing they can’t let go of is their beer. Try as we might, beer drinkers just can’t seem to move on from the stuff. So much so that beer sales are on the rise. The report just came in: Beer is recession proof.
While I have touched on the differences of those who drink domestic and those who drink imports, leaving out the important details of those who prefer stout over pale ale, lager over cider, and so forth, is an injustice. And I am here today to correct such a crime against beer drinkers and brewers alike.
Stout: Nothing says tough like stout, and those who drink stout regularly could be likened to the guys who go fishing for King Crab in Alaska — rugged, lighting matches on their coarse, unshaved faces, don’t-need-to-go-under-anesthesia-when-having-heart-surgery kind of guys. And the women who can handle stout — twice as rugged. These women have no need for razors ’cuz hair is just good insulation. No need for panty hose when you already got fancy lookin’ legs. On the other hand, stout is a great dessert beer. If you are eating any kind of warm berry dessert, any beer drinker knows to drink a pint of stout renown for its chocolaty flavor. Even the daintiest female can enjoy a mug of the rich drink.
Lager: Now lager drinkers have to be categorized based on the origin. A Stella drinker is not the same as a Bud drinker, nor is a Heineken drinker the same as someone who drinks Fat Tire’s Skinny Dip. The way it works is that people who drink lager drink it because it is easy to drink, like drinking champagne. But if you want to drink fast and you want to drink a lot with the sole purpose of getting a buzz, you stick with the cheaper all American brews like Papst Blue Ribbon or Miller Genuine Draft. If you like lagers because of the way they taste and because it adds to the “cool” factor, then you are sure to be popping the top of a Stella or a Heineken, aka Heiney. But if you are an earth mother or father, then the only choice is Fat Tire’s version of a lager. Because if there is a bike on the label, it must be good for you — because bikes are good for you, of course.
Pale ales: Since the hoppy brew is one of my favorite beers, I will give you a little insight as to why I choose this great ale. From what I gather, anyone who enjoys beer enjoys pale ales. Pale ales — whether you indulge in drinking its cousin the Indian pale ale or stick to king of all pale ales, Sierra Nevada — are flavorful, easy to drink and has a higher percentage of alcohol compared to other brews. Pale ales are aromatic and not too heavy in the stomach. Pale ale drinkers usually have a lot in common — they are into some form of artistic expression, be it music or painting, etc.; they are into being healthy even though indulging in this sweet nectar may rival with an exercise routine; and they are people who just enjoy talking with no points to be made. Most often you can see them rambling on about a moot subject with or without a beer in their hand.
Hefeweizen: Commonly refer-red to as a heffy, the German wheat beer is very popular from coast to coast. On a warm summer day, you can often see dozens of people drinking a tall heffy with a slice of orange or lemon along in popular pubs along Southern California boardwalks and in cafés on the east coast. Most people who enjoy hefe-weizen enjoy the subtle richness of the thick brew. People who enjoy heffies are usually out looking for a mellow afternoon somewhere outdoors. Those who begin drinking often find some urgency to get to a patio or a deck. The people who love wheat beer are usually well manicured and often well-off. They love to wear flip-flops, shorts and getting tan. Anyone who considers his- or herself to be a beer aficionado must know what is truly the best heffy — Paulaner.
All good things must come to an end, at least for now. Stay tuned for the second part of the beer edition of “You are what you drink.”
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