Summer pleasures

I’m not a big fan of the cable news networks. Single, sensationalized stories are clung to pitbullishly for entire news cycles, making you believe nothing else is going on — at least, nothing else as important. In truth, everything else is going on, most of it unspun and overlooked by these monoliths of micro-reporting. Even when I had only one story on my mind — the Primary That Wouldn’t Die and its resolution — I still wouldn’t turn to cable news for updates, knowing I’d be subjected to endless spin and baseless punditry. An occasional glimpse of Yahoo! News on my browser and a nightly visit to The Daily Show kept me steadily apprised (and reminded by Jon Stewart of the cable news abuses).

So Barack is the Democratic presidential nominee. And McCain is the other guy. If I were a baseless pundit, I might start wondering about a few things. First, why  ltra-conservative-megalomaniac-drinks-the-blood-of-puppies-media-overlord Rupert Murdoch has publicly stated Barack Obama is gonna win this thing in a landslide. Is there some pro-conservative angle to that I’m not getting?

Second, why did the Republicans nominate “Old Yeller” McCain? (You remember what happened to Old Yeller at the end of that movie, right?) Did an entire, impeccably strategic party believe his line about being a rebel, in spite of his utter kowtowing (or udder cow-towing, if you prefer) to the Bush-Iraq agenda? Or did they just throw the Dems a pass this time, knowing they needed at least a few years to regroup and get new marching orders from Satan — I mean, Karl Rove? How can you know you’re paranoid if there’s always a cable news network corroborating what you’re worried about?

Let’s take a deep breath. And listen to the plaintive June cry of our mothers: “It’s a beautiful day! Get away from that [computer/television/iPod] screen and go get some fresh air!” I may be jinxing things by saying this, but I believe the campaign (ergo, the country) is in safe hands with Barack Obama. He seems to have two commodities unheard of in previous candidates: He doesn’t have a corrupt background to unearth, and he responds to sound-byte-y attacks with sanity and a consistent reminder of what’s actually important. So, unless he chooses Jeremiah Wright as his running mate, I think we can leave Candidate Obama unmonitored for the summer and check back in on things in the fall.

Now that our summer is free, what shall we do? Perhaps we could pick up a book. David Sedaris has released another stalwartly amusing compilation of essays, When You Are Engulfed in Flames. His droll unraveling of his and our foibles is always good for a jolly and slightly off-center time. (If you are a Sedaris virgin, however, I might recommend beginning with Me Talk Pretty One Day, whose essays reach a howlingly funny level he has yet to surpass.) And if you need some reassurance that you didn’t just imagine something was horribly, horribly wrong these past two administrations, there’s What Happened, the tell-almost-all reveal from former White House press secretary Scott McClellan. Albeit wrapped in a dogged admiration of Bush’s personality (which somewhat clarifies how Bush got enough power to wreak as much havoc as he has), McClellan’s book serves as an actual insider indictment of the Howdy Doody/Darth Vader administration. Can we hope that this might start a trend, and Colin Powell’s diary will be published next?

If books ain’t your thang, there is always Iron Man. So far, the other summer blockbusters — whether in fedora or Manolos — haven’t had the satisfying crack of great popcorn storytelling. But perhaps we can look forward to Hamlet 2; while not exactly an escapist blockbuster, this edgy comedy (unavailable for preview by the lowly King of All Media Shmedia, and not released until Aug. 27) is being called “dementedly hilarious” by Entertainment Weekly, and might inspire a new catchphrase: Rock Me, Sexy Jesus. What’s not to love?

And if you insist on ignoring your mother and keeping the TV warmed up, try switching from Fox News to Fox 11 and make a summer habit of So You Think You Can Dance? The actual competition began last night, and if past seasons are any indication, you will not find this level of talent anywhere else on television. That is, unless those sneaky Republicans do have some ulterior motive with this McCain thing — no! I’m not going there.                                       

Scott Patrick Wagner can be contacted at www.scottpatrickwagner.com.